Lacking Stories

Sorry about my lack of stories and updates and poems on this blog. I've been writing on a different, AMAZING free-sharing website called Writing.Com. Here's my portfolio:

 http://www.writing.com/main/portfolio/view/ashere

And my newest poem:
Looking outside
Examining the snow-covered ground
White fluff smothering the cement
A milky paste flows over the block

Step through the door
Gliding across the lawn
Laying faint tracks steering down the road
Crap, I forgot my boots.

BOOM!

BOOM! Goes the TV.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
The exploding of devices
Shakes the entire room.

KA-BLAM! Goes the computer.
KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM!
But Julia ignores it
As she sits and eats her ham.


"This ham tastes weird,"
Julia blurts out
"I think it's seared—
Without a doubt."

The lamp explodes
I give her glares
But nonchalantly,
She just stares

A horrible habit
Julia keeps
We've tried to grab it
The habit leaps

The habit
Julia has is bad
She can't control it
It drives us mad

For what she does
Makes things explode
"I've had enough!"
Dad suddenly bellowed

We looked at him
In tired surprise
We all looked grim
But he despised

The fact that Julia
Couldn't stop
Down from his face
A single teardrop

"Why are you crying?"
I asked him then
"I'm sick of things
Getting destroyed, again!"

That's when Julia
Suddenly sat up
We had somehow fixed her
With that workup.

She no longer
Made things explode,
but it was equally as bad—
She made things implode.

Is that....? A Poem by Asher

"Is that a booger on your finger?"
A classmate once said to me
So I looked at him and told him
That he would soon see.

I took my boogered finger
Green snot smeared and all
And chased him out of the classroom
Until he hid in a stall.

When I walked back into the classroom
Everybody stared at me
For the booger on my finger
Had now transferred to my knee.

And at this very moment
A thought flew through my mind
And sooner I grew confident
That I'm a special kind.

Shakespeare: Another Poem by Asher

 I haven't written any stories lately, but I'm going to be putting up poetry more often.
To start off:

"How come the sky is always blue?"
A young child once questioned me
I told him, "It is because of you."
And he kicked me in the knee.

"How come we're here? Why do we live? What is our purpose here?"
I turned to him,
And simply said
"To listen to Shakespeare."

Of course, alas, he did not know
Who Shakespeare is of any means
Which made him my foe, so full of woe
That horrible child fiend.

How could a child
Be so wild
To not know
Literature?

I then realized
My great despise
Was unnecessary and uncalled for

He was only three, an age full of glee
But I still stomped out the door.

Introduction

I am Asher. Check out my blog.
ironicblogtitle.blogspot.com
Above is not a link. Go copy and paste it or type it in yourself. I'm too lazy today.

This is just a blog of my stories -- not of my life.
I like to write.

My stories are deposited HERE. 

HERE. HERE IS WHERE I HIDE MY INNER MOST TREACHEROUS, DARK, DISTURBING, ALARMING, HORRIBLE, ADJECTIVING STORIES. BEWARE, FOR YOU ARE STILL YOUNG AND NAIVE, YOU YOUNG, NAIVE GRASSHOPPER.
MOTTO:

READ.

ENJOY.

RISK.

ENTER THE CAVE.

RISK AGAIN.

REALIZED YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE RISKED BECAUSE THERE IS A HUGE BLUE BLOB IN FRONT OF YOU, BUT IT'S TOO LATE, BECAUSE YOU'RE ALREADY IN THE CAVE THAT YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE ENTERED OR RISKED TO GET INTO.

You're foolish, young naive grasshopper.

Jeez.
Can I call you Dave?
I just suddenly had an urge to call you Dave.
Dave. 
DAVIE.
So, here, you're mainly going to hear my stories, not me.
I might do an introduction once in a while.
But my stories are all original.
Some funny, some not, some a waste of your time.
But here you go.

Alex Cress's GOLD CHARM

My first story:

GOOD EEEVENINNGG.......

          LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY, MY FRIEND. COME HITHER, LITTLE ONE, AND YOU SHALL LISTEN TO MY TALES OF WISDOM.

    ONCE, LONG AGO, THERE WAS A MAN NAMED BillyBobJoeFarmer.  Yes, BillyBobJoeFarmer Johnson. Now, of course, this was an unfortunate name, and BillyBobJoeFarmer got teased. Everyday of his life. BillyBobJoeFarmer was not a bad or mean person, nor an actual farmer. The "Farmer" in his name was merely just part of it. Well, anyway, everyone teased him, and I mean EVERYONE in the town of Pointlessville.
              One day, BillyBobJoeFarmer was running away from a bunch of school kids when a billboard caught his eye. The billboard said:
                                  (Click it to enlarge)

Wow. It was like the billboard was speaking DIRECTLY to him! Probably just a coincidence, he thought.
            Of course, it didn't take a genius to choose whether to go or not. He rented an old boat a couple days later, fixed it all up, cleaned it up, packed 5 days worth of food (the journey shouldn't take any longer than a week), and set out to sea.
             
                      Already about halfway there, and no troubles yet, he thought. It was turning out pretty good..........right? Of course, as if on cue, dark storm clouds started rolling in. Great, PERFECT, BillyBobJoeFarmer thought. It started to drizzle. Then rain. First at light, but then harder.
And harder.
And harder.
And HARDER, and now it was practically hailing it was raining so hard, for the precipitation was leaving DENTS in the boat. The wimpy boat rocked back in fourth, enough to make BillyBobJoeFarmer vomit, which he did, over the side of the boat. Leaning over the side of the boat, finishing disposing the diarrhea of his mouth, leaning so hard on the boat, that the side over the boat fell in to the water with a SPLASH! This caused the boat to have uneven weight, and started to tip, but not before BillyBob pulled him self up from the water he had fallen into and ran to the other side of the boat to even it out.
                        Good, he thought. Now I just need to--CRACK!!
    Just then, the boat was struck by lightning, splitting the boat to pieces. Today was not his best day. He hopped on one slightly bigger piece, and tried to keep himself afloat. The piece sank. He tried another. It sank. He tried another, and IT-- well, you can probably guess what happened next. He continued doing this, until the storm cleared in the morning.
                Glad that's over! he sighed. Now, BillyBobJoeFarmer was a fairly good swimmer, so the first 25 minutes of swimming were pretty easy, except for the fact that there were pointy pieces of boat to scratch him up, and the occasional piranha or two staring at him hungrily (he did later notice some bites taken out of him later). And those were the first 25 minutes. After those 25 minutes he had left the torn-up-boat area, and on to the endless water. He must have swam miles, swam for days, until he saw an island.  
             Y....Yes!! WOOHOO!! LAND! He was there. He was at Alex Cress's Gold Charm Island. There he would find the Gold Charm, and he and Alex would go back to Pointlessville in Alex's jet. He swam as fast as he could, which wasn't very fast, because he was extremely tired. But as he got closer to the island, the island seemed to grow smaller. He could see the other side. And it was deserted. No one was there. He cursed under his breath. Well, at least it was land. It was a small island, the kind in cartoons, with one single palm tree. BillyBobJoeFarmer climbed up on shore, and fell asleep.

                                            ************************************

                He awoke to the sound of seagulls. He looked up. A big flock of seagulls was swarming about 8 feet above his head. He thought nothing of it, and tried to go back to sleep. But on second thought..........
             There was something strange about the seagulls. They seemed to be lowering down on him. Now they were all ready 2 feet away from his head, and still moving! Oh god, he thought. They started pecking. And then scratching. And then pulling, and trying to tear away his face! He tried to shoo them away, but couldn't seem to! He covered his face with his hands and stumbled around with the seagulls following. Then an idea hit him. And so did a coconut. Which hurt. But anyway, his idea was that if he was able to jump into the water, the seagulls wouldn't be able to get him. He covered his face with his hands and stumbled arou............wait......DEJA VU!
                      ......and stumbled around until he found the ocean. He jumped in, and sunk to the bottom. In his mind, he sighed a sigh of relief. He couldn't cause he was underwater. The seagulls dipped and dived, but they were too scared to actually go under. He was safe. He laughed. That was incredibly stupid. He had breathed in a lot of water! Struggling to get to the top, BillyBobJoeFarmer yelled "HELP!" which sounded more like "HEULLPE" because he talked underwater. He swam to the top, coughing and spluttering, feeling like his insides were drowning. He hadn't even noticed that the seagulls were gone.
                        After feasting on fresh, juicy coconut meat, and then drinking the refreshing splash of the sweet milk, BillyBobJoeFarmer decided to keep going. He had gone this far, having his boat be struck be lightning, being attacked by seagulls -- what good was it to give up? He must have swam miles and for days before he saw more land. He didn't cheer; he didn't want to get his hopes up and then get them crushed. But as he got closer, he could see purple, snow-capped, mountains.It was a fairly big island, with tall, beautiful trees, that crawled up the mountains. And hanging from some of the trees were big, juicy-looking, fruits. OH MY GOD........... he thought. He crawled up on the shore, and fell back asleep.
            He woke up to the smell of fresh-baked bread. He followed the smell, realized he couldn't, and gave up. He didn't need bread. He climbed trees, picking fruits (which turned out to be very large peaches), and ate, and ate. He was sitting on a rock, happily looking around, and enjoying the scenery, when, out of nowhere, he heard a friendly voice from behind him.
                   "Hey, have you come to get the gold charm?" BillyBobJoeFarmer turned around. "Yeah, I am. I'm looking for Alex Cress." he said. "Great! Well, you're talking to him right now," said Alex Cress. "Awesome! So, um, I come to receive the Gold Charm, please," said BillyBobJoeFarmer. "Oh. The......the.....the Gold Charm?" Alex Cress cleared his throat sheepishly. "Yes...........er.......so, I have a funny story about that." Oh, great, BillyBobJoeFarmer thought, but he kept on his "smile". Then, Alex Cress said, "Heh Heh," he chuckled nervously. "I kinda sold it to a man last week. He got here before you. So sorry,"


                                         THE END

   This is an original story written by Asher, me, last year, in third grade. It has now officially been copyrighted by me. To prove it:                               

 ©Copyright 2009, Asher 

     
The "billboard" is also original and created on Photoshop Elements.